Im always right.
Like right now you want me to take you out for a drink.
Don't deny it. You've been waiting for me to ask...

Horoscopes are a huge scam. They're always entertaining, though. And these were the best ever.

Bonus:
Sign :
Ginger Rapper

Your second career as an astrologer shows promise. The stars advise you to drop more beats before popping off prognostically, however. Use caution!

don't take cheap stabs at astrology you're a hypocrite and a jerk. why can't you just make good music that doesn't involve weak pseudo-intellectual criticism that shit is tired. grow some balls and do something constructive otherwise your just a spoiled little 40 year old child. from now on i'm only listening to your instrumentals

That's the best I can do...besides hold nasty grudges and pick all kinds of fights....Taurus aka tore ass, whatttt

I can read your Whore Scope

my grandma IS my last surviving grandparent and shes been slowly dying for a while.

very wise of you mr. producto.

El-P: Prophet Of The Future

hahaha
i like a good haha
fuck ..
"LOL"
that shit takes away form the true joy..
yes my cancer stalker indeed wants to stab me

"I sometimes wish my life were better."

fuck a el p not a leo :) much <3 el

Thanks for my bullshit Cancerian reading.
See, they ARE right--I'm sooooh sensitive...
But really:
Which sun sign is supposed to be your's, Producto?
Is it scorpio???

how i wish today was my birthday......

niggas wanna stab me

Boy, I can't wait to go piss on that dead girls chest. Awesome!

Go fuck YOURSELF.

Hahaha, funny shit.

Astrology isn't a scam though. The Church that outlawed it and propagated against it is.

I do enjoy music and films, and I do also love films...

yeah, as a Leo (and as a life-long, daily reader and die-hard believer in the universal scam that is horoscopery :) , the initial impact of reading one of my hero's astrological predictions to me was like "OH SNAP! BURRRRRN!" on some grade 8 shit... but once the searing pain subsided, I realized I love the abuse, and as a distorted-ego-carrying 'fraidy cat/jungle king, I needed this.

my moon sign is Aries (yeah, I gets DEEP into my psychotic star-sparked prognostication!) so that helps not much more, either. Nice cliff-hanger, El!

*BONUS HOROSCOPE*

Pisces, you will swim against the current... but there is a one-world government FEMA-made levee on both sides of the river, so what's the point of resistance? THE POINT IS: STRAP YOUR FISH-ASS WITH SOME DYNAMITE AND BLOW UP THAT MOTHERFUCKER, LOL. You may or may not survive, but you will be immortalized by rap music, and your name will join a sacred list of holy hip hop heroes and martyrs.

a noble way to go if there ever was one.

ha ha,
peace from Mindbender
p.s. I would read these every day. I'm going to get my Rob Brezny horoscopes now, I'm dead ass serious about being a star-gazing space cadet, ha ha

Amazing -- just yesterday, a coworker said to me "I'm going to cut you." Your powers are considerable. Maybe you should start predicting weather next.

Felt like acting a little foolish aye? Nothing wrong with that. Funny shit though. It encompasses all the ignorance which is horoscopes, and the stupid who belive in them.

Dead on. I'm out the door.

Dead on. I'm out the door.

Yo El-P - really dig yo new ventrue here! Quite spot on wit da Gemini ish, but eish what a laugh really! One! Lithal

i sure did! it was very nice, lovin myself and all...

why did you have to blow my spot el...now i have to change my night time route/.haha

Like much of your work, especially your most recent album, this horoscope exercise is most interesting to me in the particular respect that it's often presented in a style that is of the very subject you are attempting to critique - horoscopes. Your statement is something to the effect that horoscopes are "a scam." The most interesting ones are those that make use of qualities (I guess, ones identified by 'the greater council of astrological consensus') of signs in ways that turn its positive qualities negative or that directly turn the sign's negative qualities against itself. What's best is how it's entirely blanketed in an enormous amount of irony. Your thesis of 'horoscopes are a scam,' could be read as - you don't believe in them, or - straight up - they have no meaning. Ironically, you have performed this statement while demonstrating that you do, in fact, have a significant amount of knowledge and ideas about astrology in the conventional sense. Gemini should be the sign for this very thing... as well as living life in America (has been very Gemini), this country where the dominant mode is so often content with doing things that it actually itself finds morally repugnant. These are also things at times that are actually (and only sometimes unbeknownst to itself) blatantly against its own self-interests. I will interrupt what I was saying to announce that 'unbeknownst' is actually a real word despite what the Internet may attempt to suggest to you with its disturbingly ill-informed red lines. For example, telling a Leo to 'go fuck his/her self' is funniest in the knowledge that Leo's are reputedly arrogant, self-centered cocks, among other positive qualities. Cancer is funny because you describe someone who is a cancer in a different sense. Scorpio is somehow the funniest despite the fact that it merely paints an interestingly pathetic picture that doesn't seem to bear any relation to the sign at all. I find this choice interesting because you had a song on Fantastic Damage that called someone a Scorpio a lot (another way in which I've revealed that you do actually pay attention to astrology) and sort of characterized that person or the sign as a backstabber. I prefer to think that you summed up the astrological 'Scorpio' as a backstabber because it seems like a meaningful image that expresses something about Scorpions that could be how some 'Scorpios' may be thought to behave, as they are reputedly very resentful and/or dangerous. I guess now I'm becoming a cancer and you have been a Leo, j/k. Interesting idea. Thanks for signing my pre-ordered copy of "I'll Sleep When You're Dead."

such bullshit

my brother's an aquarius

my brother's an aquarius

blah.I saw this on my e-mail and was like...actually I drew a damn blank and farted. Yeah I'll quit my job and start rhyming for donation. blah. Actually a certain company is currently involved in a racial suit, and every black person that works for the company received a settlement voucher to receive at least $50. That is if the Kentucky trial is a success against a primarily Southern based company. blah.

they would probably opt for an anvil than a knife

they would probably opt for the anvil instead of the knife against me

I love this.
I'm a Pisces and i think that people should know how badass we all are. BTW- I just checked, and El-p's a Pisces too...I smell some bias in the horoscope??

maybe it's the virgo i disagreed with last week.

-aquarius.

(too funny)

Hahaha your "miss cleo" skills are made on point.
Werd just one more night of being a murky lurky
then I shall profess my luv to her.
Made with real bits of panther

Sir, I would just like to say that I like your product. I believe you believe in what you are selling and therefor I believe in it as well. Please just tell me where to send my unsigned post dated blank check and it will be there within 8-10 weeks. I am old and in poor health, I want to leave you everything. Oh, and tell libra to stop whoring herself out.

spot on, el.

Hey El,

Since you have an interest in horoscopes maybe you should write a track about them. Title idea... "Zodiac Killer"

Please tell me YOU trademarked that El.Genius.

Please tell me YOU trademarked that El.Genius.

Dear El-Producto,

I thought that this might be the best time to let you know I've been following you. I also have spy cams in your bathroom. I also really like sniffing your shoes.

Love,
Cancer

I've been waiting for this day for so long! I can finally live out my lazy dreams.

It's fun follow people, just don't get to close.

Luv it!
Dark AND Sexual...
Well, Sexual at least... =X

your horoscopes suck

well no holes yet-(other then the intended ones)
hopefully the stabber was supposed to be leo-who fucked himself!