Horoscopes by El-P for Thursday, October 2nd
Posted on 10/02/2008
(Photo by Tim Soter)
Wow. Yesterday I posted the first installment of what will hopefully be an ongoing column: 'Horoscopes by El-P'... and what a reaction! The comments section as well as my myspace page were filled a wide range of feedback. Some "ha", some "fuck you", some confusion, some anger, etc.
The most interesting series of comments were from those who seemed genuinely confused as to how to take this. What do they mean??? And how, if they are indeed random, do they seem to (in some cases) be so damn accurate????
Well I suppose its time to let the cat out of the bag folks. Despite my disclaimer at the top of the article in which I very, very, clearly explain that I know nothing about astrology, you, your sign or anything else that relates to those subjects... I was lying.
Its been hard walking this earth knowing I had this gift and having to conceal it all this time. How would the world treat me if they knew I was psychic? Would the knowledge of my "6th sense" frighten people? Anger them? Would they call me a "warlock" who was "un-natural" or "in need of execution"? Who knows, really. But I can't hide my true nature any longer. I need to use my powers to help guide people. To contribute to your lives instead of just "taking things from you" simply because I can "read your mind" and "see your future".
So I have spent the last decade studying the astrological theories, charts, graphs and ancient texts that have ultimately provided me with guidelines and discipline to channel my unique powers in to a useful and socially acceptable tool to better society.
In conclusion... wait... I'm receiving information...oh shit... Bush is going to declare Marshall Law and suspend the elections. Why did you give me this power God?
Best, El
Your playful nature is being taken the wrong way today Aries. Maybe its time people started taking you a little more seriously, eh? Next time you joke about "killing everyone you know" take a shower fully clothed first. And hold a brick. Then they might realize how easily a "joke" can become "a threat". You're going to meet someone new!
Taurus
Time to dig in and re-approach your approach to approaching things. As mercury rises so ,in fact, does your chance of rising. Also, your girlfriend is cheating on you.
Gemini
I was once told a story of a young sailor who, while on a 3 day shore leave, made it a point to write a letter to everyone he knew and post date it for December, 2012. In the letter he described the return of Quetzoquatl and the alignment of the solar system's planets. Think about it. I certainly won't.
Sorry, Cancer... that whole stalking thing didn't really work out as we had planned, did it? I should have had you wait a day. Try again today. This time I'm right.
Leo
You fuckin' rock today, Leo.
Virgo
Time to take that trip you've been planning Virgo! Maybe to someplace warm? But first you'll need a gun and a new identity. Talk to a lawyer about statutes of limitations. In time, everyone forgives... even if it takes a decade of living hand-to-mouth under different aliases. You like puppies.
Libra
You still believe in love Libra, but myspace may not have exactly been the absolute perfect way to find it. Turns out that 16 year old girl, who loves all the same music as you and doesn't know your real age or what you really look like is your father. Your real father, not that impostor who's been fucking your mom all these years. Expect a phone call from someone.
Your intensity on the job has made someone at work very impressed with you. I know you've been down on yourself a bit lately but your constant self doubt has finally paid off in the form of quality job performance. Try to act cool and when the time is right, kick open the door to your bosses office and demand a raise. He will appreciate your go-getter spirit. Don't forget to call your mother, breathe heavily and then hang up.
Sagittarius
Some one stole your cash settlement yesterday, Sagittarius, and I don't want to point any fingers but I think it was a loved one. Although...thats weird because I'm reading your chart and it says right here that no one loves you. Your lucky number is 4!
OMG, Aquarius, you are just fucking adorable! There are times that you forget that though. The good news is that we all see how far you've come in the last year and whether or not you realize it we also don't care.
Pisces
Go fuck yourself, Pisces
Today's Birthday
This year, try ringing in your new age with hard drugs. It's a great way to say,
"Hey world, I'm growing!"
Comments
aquarius
Posted on Sun, 10/05/2008 - 16:02 by: coleyfresh (not verified)
you were right on el thank you hahah
GREAT!!! WE LOVE IT EL!!!
Posted on Sun, 10/05/2008 - 05:17 by: Sole (ANTICON) (not verified)
GREAT!!! WE LOVE IT EL!!! KEEP EM COMING!!
Look...
Posted on Sun, 10/05/2008 - 03:58 by: Hola Mateo (not verified)
....If you're not going to take this seriously then I'm just going home!!!!
Libra
Posted on Sat, 10/04/2008 - 12:17 by: Libra = "Well Balanced". Sure. (not verified)
I love unexpected phone calls from crazy people...it's easier to fuck wit crazy people..
hows this for a change...fuk my father, i rather deal wit the impostor whos been fuckin my mom all these years
yeah i know whos impressed
Posted on Sat, 10/04/2008 - 06:21 by: scorpio (not verified)
yeah i know whos impressed with me its the pregnant girl that was hot 2 months ago. she regrets not taking my seed, or atleast slurping it before she got that sick gut
wow! (libra)
Posted on Sat, 10/04/2008 - 05:58 by: Nicole (not verified)
haha these are amazing!
phone call
Posted on Sat, 10/04/2008 - 02:57 by: Jesse Dangerously (not verified)
It doesn't matter if I get a phone call or if I don't. What matters is that I'm expecting one, and now I know that I was right to expect it. It's my dharma... my true purpose for this day.
Anyway Chi Ali knows age ain't nothing but a number. Then again, Chi Ali shot his cousin for a playstation or something. It might be time to stop trying to live my life according to Chi Ali lyrics, because so far it hasn't netted me an album full of beat nuts bangers and the voice of a 13 year old kid. Astrology... that's the ticket.
Does astrology also say age ain't nothing but a number? Or is it pretend like everything else I've ever had faith in?
gluuuu
Posted on Sat, 10/04/2008 - 02:48 by: gaaaa (not verified)
SPUNKAYAAYA!
The great green icing flowing down.
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 20:34 by: Security (not verified)
Apparently, I do not want what I haven't got. Cool.
what else is new
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 19:56 by: j ahu (not verified)
What else is gnu, Gary? I call my mom most weekdays,(girls my age don't like me anymore) breathe heavily into her ear, before saying something romantic, dark, and sexually charged (true to my nature as a Scorpion),finishing like the guy on the Hell's Winter promo going uuuuuuuuhhhhh. It's a real aphrodisiac for me to know you've been spying on me Jamie. How else would you know all this? Either that or you are the real deal. Either way, I'mma do something real nice for you tonight. You freak. Don't call me that. Ok. Thank you. You bitch. Oh. Ok. Thank you. Oh Shit. That's starting to hur.....dammit. Dead. Not again. This is a mess.
taurus
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 16:50 by: Anonymous (not verified)
I KNEW THAT WHORE WAS FUCKING AROUND BEHIND MY BACK, ILL KILL THAT FUCKING CUNT.
virgo.
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 15:53 by: shotofjen (not verified)
I adore my creep side.
New aliases and places are awesome.
I do love puppies.
Please keep predicting so I can make my co-workers feel incredibly awkward.
:)
I have my dog read these to
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 15:39 by: RCA of the band STD (not verified)
I have my dog read these to me every morning. horroscopes that is. Now you might ask yourself(letting the days go by), how can a dog talk? Well, if you train them correctly dogs can do lots of things. Sit, roll over, talk, etc. I'll let you in on a little secret though, it's not really a dog. It is chained up in my basement though. I don't ever let it out, it just reads the paper everyday. I'll let you in on another secret, the "dog" is actually a gimp. A person that is locked away in my basement dressed in unfashionable and uncomforatble leather clothing with lots of zippers. He loves to read, eat, and shit. Nothing else. Want to know another secret? The gimp is me. The person who holds me captive throws me the paper, some gruel, and access to a high speed internet connection so I can pour my thoughts out to lonley rappers. Now you may ask yourself(How did I get here?) am I trapped in the abyss? If angered enough, I could escape, but I don't want to. I like it here. It's warm and quiet. This is my basement, you can't have it. If you ever tried to take it from me, you would kill me, because the basement is in my head............. and you are so fucking gullible if you thought any of this was serious, you sick fuck! HA!
But I thought everything people post on the internet is serious!
Posted on Sun, 10/05/2008 - 15:32 by: Zarathustra (not verified)
You're so clever! You should stop trying to fuck with people --cuz EVERYBODY thinks very straightforwardly and will feel completely disoriented about anything you and your revolutionarily new sense of narrative humor can come up with in that brilliant brain of yours-- and start writing short stories in "I-Think-So-Differently" Magazine! CLEARLY nobody who would be on this site would be able to understand why you'd write such CRAA-A-A-A-ZY things!
You are right Zarathustra
Posted on Tue, 10/07/2008 - 16:49 by: Right On (not verified)
You are right Zarathustra that RCA is a total fuck up. What kind of shit is he spewing. Just comment on the blog and let El know how fucking rad he is. This guy/girl is just lame. Who names their band STD? SOOOO FUCKING GAY!!!. Hey El, keep up the posts about horroscopes coming. Zarathustra and I read it inbetween our studying of The Gay Science and the pondering of the Übermensch.
Oh by the way, I hope you read this whole post cause this is motherfuckin' RCA tearing your shit up Zarathustra. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Thus spoke RCA... bitch!
December is still the best month
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 13:54 by: Melody (not verified)
Harsh! Four huh? I'll go with it..
El-P is a robot designed by communist Russia in the 1980's
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 13:18 by: Ned Tugent (not verified)
Be careful, folks...
As much as these "horoscopes" may seem funny and perhaps even a bit insightful, be weary of their true intention. This post is actually a cryptic message from "El-P" (real name: Maligna Melina Rooski version 12.5 1/2), a cyborg (the only parts of him that are human are his face, his left index finger, and his shiny, full-bodied hair) designed and manufactured by communist Russia in the 1980's. If you take the first and third letters of every word, you'll begin to decipher a code that for years, flew under the radar of U.S. intelligence and most CB radio enthusiasts. For example, Leo's "horoscope," when decoded, says "yofu"...which we all know means "dream catcher" in ancient Caspian. Don't say I didn't warn you. Also, don't say "Beatlejuice" three times in a row.
El-P is a robot designed by communist Russia in the 1980's
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 13:17 by: Ned Tugent (not verified)
Be careful, folks...
As much as these "horoscopes" may seem funny and perhaps even a bit insightful, be weary of their true intention. This post is actually a cryptic message from "El-P" (real name: Maligna Melina Rooski version 12.5 1/2), a cyborg (the only parts of him that are human are his face, his left index finger, and his shiny, full-bodied hair) designed and manufactured by communist Russia in the 1980's. If you take the first and third letters of every word, you'll begin to decipher a code that for years, flew under the radar of U.S. intelligence and most CB radio enthusiasts. For example, Leo's "horoscope," when decoded, says "yofu"...which we all know means "dream catcher" in ancient Caspian. Don't say I didn't warn you. Also, don't say "Beatlejuice" three times in a row.
My goodness..
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 12:17 by: Izzie (not verified)
This is hilacious!
you sarcastic MF'er you.
Pisces
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 11:31 by: sMokey131 (not verified)
....yeah ...everyday...the mpc...emo..haha^^
b-day
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 02:45 by: abyss (not verified)
It's my birthday today actually lol. I'm 18 now. But not so into "hard drugs" though lol.
capricorn psychic
Posted on Fri, 10/03/2008 - 00:52 by: capricorn el - p (not verified)
i believe im psychic, though i havent studied enough to know what im doing with it. interesting enough, the first two letters of my first name are el and my last name begins with p... so in a way we have the same name. which i've always thought was super cool, but now that you're psychic too, its even better. and your capricorn horoscope is spot on, but as a capricorn, we're perfect like that
good advice. or horoscopes.
Posted on Thu, 10/02/2008 - 23:25 by: Anonymouslibra (not verified)
good advice. or horoscopes.
You make me want to
Posted on Thu, 10/02/2008 - 23:17 by: Anonymous (not verified)
You make me want to die.
Serious face.
I had a feeling....
but now you confirmed it...
nobody loves me...
and I feel whitney coming through...
(cause the bodyguard was on vh1)
sorry.
cancer
Posted on Thu, 10/02/2008 - 21:51 by: johnny bazooka (not verified)
no!! it didn't work.. i got slapped with a restraining order.. thanks a lot EL..
I knew you were for real!!!!
Posted on Thu, 10/02/2008 - 21:40 by: jiggyh8r (not verified)
Psychic AND a mad beat making genius...
Be afraid America, El has our number!
Can't wait 'til my horoscope tells me to go fuck myself =^) YAY!
Pisces...done and done
Posted on Thu, 10/02/2008 - 21:39 by: mcfly (not verified)
Did you watch me on my mom and dads computer this morning? Spot on,
I believe 'spawn of satan'
Posted on Thu, 10/02/2008 - 19:35 by: Anonymous (not verified)
I believe 'spawn of satan' is the proper phrase for your kind. Still I met someone new! You were right again.
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